transparentsy

This interview is so sad because of Hannah’s mother’s choices–to indulge an abusive father (and probably husband) rather than protect her children.  It’s good to read that Hannah has emerged into a momma bear for her own children and hasn’t perpetuated the cycle of abuse and denial.

What’s your age?

34

Are both of your parents living?

Yes

What’s their marital status?

Married

How many siblings do you have?

Two

How often do you see your parents?

Once a month.

What are some of the ways you spend time together? 

Holidays, birthdays.

On a scale of one to ten, how much to you enjoy their company?

Dad- 1; Mom- 7; together- 2

Does spending time with them as a unit effect the dynamic of the visit?

Absolutely.

What are some of the positive aspects of your relationship with them?

Dad- I can think of 6-7 times between the ages of 4 and 18 that my Dad invited me to spend time with him in some sort of recreation (a 4-wheeler ride, hitting golf balls, riding a four wheeler, going on a snowmobile ride, and riding with him in his logging truck) and I have still good memories of those times.  When I was very little, I was proud of my father because he was strong and handsome.  I knew people were afraid of him, and I think that made me secure.  I thought he knew everything and could do anything.

Mom- I believe my Mother did the best she could do in her circumstances to raise me to have more opportunities and a life different than the one she led. Most importantly, she prayed for me and with me.  She read her Bible everyday and still does.  It’s like she’s in a different world in Psalms.  She made heaven real to me, and I’m convinced we will both spend eternity there.  She showed me how to serve others and the importance of sharing the things we have with those don’t have.  She taught me how to work hard, but was also willing to sit up late at night and type a research paper for me in high school when I really should have been typing it.  She scrimped and saved so that I could take piano lessons for 13 years.  She made me an intricate part of her life, being together everyday either going walking, driving, cross-country skiing, or huckleberry picking.  She made big deals out of birthdays and every holiday during the year.  We had entirely green meals on St. Patrick’s Day. We ate red food on Valentine’s.  Christmas cookies came in about a dozen different shapes and flavors every year.  I was the envy of my friends when it came to Mothers.  Looking back, however, I see that there isn’t much middle ground in her parenting.  It was either outstandingly sacrificial or desperately wretched.  The positive aspects of our relationship are things that I try to keep going with my own children- spending time with them, playing games, reading books, taking walks, riding bikes.  I think lasting relationships can be built on these things.

What are some of the negative aspects of your relationship with them?

Dad- My relationship with my father has prompted me to search my own soul, to find characteristics which would prove to be destructive, and to try and change those things about myself.  I have come to realize that my father is a psychopath.  Once, when reading a psychology text regarding psychopaths, I felt like I was reading of my childhood.  If my dad was home, there was tension.  Everyone walked on eggshells trying not to set him off.  He was abusive to everyone in some way.  I was probably the one he directed his anger and abuse at least of all.  Like I mentioned above, when I was very young, I felt safe around him because he could protect me from danger, but by the time I was in 6^th – 7^th grade, I realized he was most dangerous person around me.  I developed hatred for him that would last for two decades.

Mom- The negative part of my mother’s parenting is that she has always refused to leave my father.   I used to accept her staying with him and even leaving me with him at times.  I thought she probably feared for her life and the life of all us kids.  But, when I had a child of my own, my feelings completely changed.  I protect my son like a bear.  I can’t imagine staying with a man like my father.  I’ve seen what happens and I don’t trust that people change.  Becoming a mother has driven a wedge between me and my own mother.  At moments, when I think her own life was too hard, she would leave for days or weeks at a time.  I try to dwell on the ways in which she provided for me and encouraged me, but at the end of the day she’s still with my father and I feel like she’s chosen him over her children and grandchildren.

Which is weightier, the positive or negative?

Dad- negative

Mom- positive without my father near, negative if he is

If negative, what are some of the aspects that contributed to a fractured relationship as adults?

My relationship with my father will never be good.  I have finally come to a point in my life in which I genuinely care about the state of his soul, but I do not want to be around him.

What do you wish they had done differently?

Where do I start?

How well do you relate to your siblings?

I get along well with my brother, we have very similar views of our childhoods and have dealt with them similarly.  We talk freely about the issues we have with our parents.  It is difficult for me to relate to my sister.  She was abused more than my brother and I, and yet she spends more time with my parents than we do.  She told me once that she didn’t think Mom knew what was going on when she was younger, about the abuse, and that she didn’t think she could have survived if she thought Mom knew.  I’m not sure I agree with her; I think Mom knows what is going on but chooses to live in a reality of her own making.

Do you think they share your same reflections on your parents? 

I think my brother does, I am not sure what my sister honestly thinks of them.

Can you share a defining moment with your parents? 

Dad- finding out he had abused my sister.

Mom- her reaction to finding out that I found out my Dad had abused my sister.  I asked her why she ever left me alone with him, and she said it was ok, she knew he would never do that to me because I had a strong personality.  That changed my relationship with her forever.  I never again felt protected, but out on my own.

Has anything happened in recent history with them to change how you felt about them as a child?

My mother used to come and visit and stay with me separately.  However, about 4 years ago, she quit visiting without my father.  Our relationship has not been as good since that time.

My father has mellowed with time.  He doesn’t get as angry as he used to, and he is trying to make amends for many of the wrongs he imposed on the family.  But, I can’t trust him.  We will never have a close relationship.

I have often thought about what life would be like with different parents.  Would I enjoy going home for the holidays and having my parents come to visit?  What would it be like to be close to my parents, to treasure their advice, desire to spend time with them?  I will never know those answers, but I hope that as my own children grow up, I can be the kind of parent I’ve longed to have.

I envision Constance growing up in a home full of calm, a completely different experience than the one I had.  It’s something that I long to model, as well as the engaged listening.

What’s your age? 

I’m knocking at 40’s door.

Are both of your parents living?

Yes

What’s their marital status?

Married

How many siblings do you have? 

Three

How often do you see your parents? 

A few times a month

What are some of the ways you spend time together?

Mom: As a child- working together (chores/garden work), school activities/sports, church activities (she was often the choir director or youth sponsor), running errands together (we spent a lot of time talking in the car.)  Now- talking (we talk almost every day on the phone), attending my own children’s events, (if she’s at my house) doing chores together.

Dad: As a child- tennis, basketball, running in the morning, listening to classical music together, helping him at church with his ministry.  Now- going on field trips with my kids and me, helping out with my small business, my children’s basketball games (sitting next to him is the best seat in the house), going to history movies or museum exhibits together.

On a scale of one to ten, how much to you enjoy their company?

Mom- 10

Dad- 10

Does spending time with them as a unit effect the dynamic of the visit?

I actually prefer them separate if I can get it.  My mom can be very dominant, and my dad is content just to sit back and listen.  I feel like it’s harder to spend time with him when my mom is around.  But together, I still enjoy their company.

What are some of the positive aspects of your relationship with them?

I’ve never felt unloved or unaccepted.  Sure, I’ve done some stupid things in life, but they’ve let me own those.  They are interested not in what I do, but who I am.  I don’t feel like I have to achieve anything or reach certain goals to know that they are proud of me.  They don’t try to define me.  They have given me a rich heritage of faith, and we talk often about what the Lord is doing in our lives.

What are some of the negative aspects of your relationship with them?

I think that sometimes, because we are so close, my mom tries to get me to be her go-between in raising issues with my dad or sisters.  Usually it is something health related like, “You should tell your dad that he needs to see a doctor about….”

Which is weightier, the positive or negative?

The positive.

What are some of the aspects that contributed to a healthy relationship as adults?

My mom and dad never checked out as parents.  They keep in regular contact with me and ask specific questions about what is going on in my life and what concerns me.  I know that they pray for me.  They never complain or act put out about my kids (there are 7 of them) or tell me how to raise them (though I do get the occasional suggestions.)  They live a distance away (about an hour) and make a huge effort to travel to see us on a regular basis.  “We just thought we’d stop by for a visit”  is the phrase.

What do you appreciate most about their parenting?

They have set the best example I know of honoring their own parents.  They cared for each of their ailing parents a total of 22 years under their own roof.  It was a physical, emotional and financial sacrifice, but they modeled it for me in a way that speaks volumes.  Experiencing that in both my childhood and adulthood, makes me sit up and appreciate them as parents. I’m proud of them.

I appreciate that they have always listened.  Though we haven’t always agreed, they made it clear that they wanted to hear what was in my heart.  I could express it and they love me all the more.

What do you wish they had done differently?

I do wish that my dad had been more accessible growing up.  He worked a lot and had many responsibilities at home and church.  I loved being near him as a child, but don’t think I began having conversations with him until late high school.

How well do you relate to your siblings?

My oldest sister and I were not close while we lived at home, largely because of her difficult relationship with my mom at the time.  Over the years we have become close friends.  My two younger sisters and I are close as well.  We spend time together weekly and can rely on each other with regularity.

Do you think they share your same reflections on your parents?

I think we all have our own story to tell about mom and dad.  They did a fantastic job as seeing us as individuals, so each of our relationships is different.  None of us have ever been estranged from our parents, but there have been some definite moments of rebellion and conflict that were not resolved overnight. I think we would all agree that as adults, we consider our parents to be our friends who we enjoy spending time with.

Can you share a defining moment with your parents?

My dad- Seeing him break down and cry for the first time.  It was when he told us that his father had passed away.  We all lived in the same house, so as children we felt as though we had lost a parent, too.   I was nine at the time and remember watching my dad walk through the grieving process with strength and realizing that he had just lost his best friend.

My mom- Being with my mom when her mother died (six years ago).  It took several days for her to pass and we spent those days providing for her needs.  We spent many quiet, solemn hours together and I heard stories about my mother’s difficult and painful childhood that were new to me.  It gave me a different perspective into her as a person and made so grateful that God changed her life and chose me to be her daughter.

Together- In Junior High and High School, my parents would often let me lay in their bed with them in the dark and just talk, and talk, and talk about anything I wanted.   All the drama, disappointments, dreams….  they just listened and then let me trot off to my own bed.  Being a mom of teens now, I know that those were defining moments, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

Has anything happened in recent history with them to change how you feel about them?

Nothing comes to mind.

What struck me here was the wonderful relationship that Faye and all her still siblings have in their 50s and 60s.  I asked her what contributed to this amazing element in her life.  She says, “Yes, the four of us are extremely close and I contribute it first to the family foundation, second out of sheer determination due to our losses (clinging to each other) and third, I believe we all share the importance of family. We also had and still have an unbroken thread with aunts, uncles, neices, nephews,cousins (out to our third cousins) from both sides of the family. Do we all agree? No way. Do we respect? Absolutely. Do we bicker and argue? Not really. I think that comes with the respect.”

Wow.

What’s your age?

56

Are both of your parents living?

Mama died when I was 12 (1968). Daddy died in 1995.

What’s their marital status?

My parents were married for 25 years when mom passed away. Daddy remarried and was with my step-mom for 25 years, too.

How many siblings do you have?

3 alive, 1 deceased, and 3 step-siblings

How often do you see your parents?

I saw Dad and my step-mom at Christmas; off and on during the year (weekends, drop-in).

What are some of the ways you spend time together?

It usually consisted of a meal. Some functions at his church. Daddy moved in with me when he was diagnosed with cancer until he passed away. God had a sense of humor with that one.

On a scale of one to ten, how much to you enjoy their company?

Dad – 7

Step-Mom-4

Does spending time with them as a unit effect the dynamic of the visit?

Yes, it did.

What are some of the positive aspects of your relationship with them?

It was respectful, civil.  I did appreciate the fact that my step-mom loved and took care of my father for all those years.

What are some of the negative aspects of your relationship with them?

We could not go deep into past family events, controversial conversations, etc.  We kept it safe.

Which is weightier, the positive or negative?

Negative

What are some of the aspects that contributed to a fractured relationship as adults?

I left home at 14 due to a family fallout. Many other painful situations arose the next few years regarding Daddy and my step-mom, but I chose not to make issues of them.  Not even as an adult were they addressed.

What do you appreciate most about their parenting?

My mother instilled in me respect, honesty, integrity, joy, laughter, and deep spirituality at a very young age. After she passed, I tried so hard not to dishonor her memory. That kept me from stupid teenage mistakes and helped me think twice about lifetime decisions.  As a child, I felt safe and loved by both parents. Daddy made the money and mama kept the home fires burning. From birth ’till twelve I lived a secure life. Poor, but secure. And very loved.

What do you wish they had done differently?

For Daddy to have made better economic decisions for the family’s sake.

How well do you relate to your siblings?

Very, very well. We all talk usually every day. Not the step-siblings but no hard feelings-we just went different ways after our parents died.

Do you think they share your same reflections on your parents?

Yes, I do.

Can you share a defining moment with your parents?

With Mama – At age 5, I was very sick with measles. I could not leave my “dark” room for two weeks. Had to use a bedpan and get sponge baths. Tough for a 5 year old. One night when Mama thought I was asleep, she knelt by my bed and began praying and sobbing.  After she left, I cried so hard knowing I brought her pain.

Daddy- We lived at Jacksonville Beach for a few years. There was a boardwalk with games, corn dogs, cotton candy, etc.- a child’s fantasy. But, Daddy told us the boardwalk was only for visitors. If you lived in Florida, you could not go to it. Of course, we believed him! One summer day, as we played on the beach, he told us he was going to sneak up on the boardwalk and get us some cotton candy and that he hoped the police would not catch him. I remember my brother and I begging him to be careful. Yes, we got the cotton candy and Daddy was safe!  Good memories for a young child.

Has anything happened in recent history with them to change how you felt about them as a child? 

Mother carried a dark burden that I now know about.  Do I look at my mother differently-? Yes, with sadness that she experienced trauma no child should have to go through.