transparentsy

I absolutely adore our local art museum.  Each time I get it together for an hour of serenity strolling the galleries, I soundly chide myself for not visiting more often.  Today, I took myself to see a Gottlieb exhibit only to find that it had closed yesterday. Sadly, I had gotten my dates confused. I was, however, able to peer into the gallery as they started dismantling it. Magnificent in its scale and simplicity, I was crestfallen.  Oh! to have sat for hours gazing at those mysterious works, marveling at what drives an artistic mind to take up paint and brush, expressing a mind-marinade of thoughts and memories. I lingered among other exhibits, including arrestingly beautiful works by a glass artist, finally making my way to the contemporary wing of the permanent collection.  On an early Monday morning, I was left alone to journal.  I spread myself on my belly across a soft leather bench to write, just like a child would.  I knew my every move was being watched by a security camera, but for all the world, I felt tucked inside a brilliant envelope.  I really should do this more often.

I wonder what it is like to be an artist, pondering concepts like “big history,” “human resilience,” or “vibrating effects.” Generally, these concepts are not part of my daily mental currency.  It’s so esoteric to me.  However, I always buy the book related to the exhibits I take in, hoping to understand more and (really hoping) that one of my children will pull it off the shelf one day, only to discover a whole new direction.  One they can explain the mind of an artist to their art-loving mother.

On the other hand, really bad coffee by itself is insufferable.

How old are you?

40.

Are both of your parents living?

Yes.

What’s their marital status?

Married, about 48 years.

Do you have brothers of sisters?

2 sisters, both older.

How often do you see your parents?

Once a quarter, maybe.

What are some of the ways you spend time together?

I don’t spend much time with my mom, maybe 15 minutes sitting talking with her. I spend more time with my dad smoking cigars, going to the store. My mom had a car accident three years ago and is extremely obese. She broke her leg in three places, so now she really sits in a hopsital bed in the house or goes out to eat or to casinos. Once a year, she might try to drive down and see her grandkids. My dad drives. He’s kind of the primary caregiver.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy your father’s company?

Probably a nine.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy your mother’s company?

A one, and that’s being generous.

Does spending time with them together affect the dynamic of the visit?

Yeah, it makes my mom more tolerable when they are together. I was up there three months ago and I hung out with the two of them for about three hours, which is the most I’ve spent, but since they were together it was toned down. It’s like half and half in really bad coffee, it makes it tolerable.

What are some of the positive aspects of your relationship with them?

Learning about my dad’s history. My dad is foreign, so I basically was raised with zero emotion, except for anger. When he started being my mom’s primary caregiver, and retired for the 15th time, he got bored to death, so now he talks. He never talked, but now he’s full of thoughts and will talk forever. It’s interesting and fascinating to my kids. They’re like “What in the world?” As far as Mom, not really. I can’t think of anything. Just sad.

What about the negative?

They are very self-absorbed. They’ve only ever cared about themselves, always put themselves first. Even now, they constantly tell us they want to see the kids, but they make zero effort to do that. If they leave the house, they’ll drive 6 hours and stay at a casino for 2 weeks, but won’t drive an hour and half to see their grandkids. Recently, I told them we’d be in their town for a few days, and we worked it out for me to pick them up.  We got there and no one was home, the door was locked. They apparently decided to go out of town to a casino, and I’m trying to explain to kids why their grandparents weren’t there when they said they would be. It’s just selfish, I had to say. My mom’s a compulsive liar and is insane, mentally unstable. When she had her accident she was suspended upside down for an hour before the paramedics came, and we think that caused more brain damage than she already had. She’ll sit there and lie to your face. Most people let her go on, but I have a hard time with that. I call her on it, and she’s like, “Oh, you’re so funny . . .” but it’s stuff like, “I can’t believe you guys bought a boat and didn’t tell me!” She’s seen photos of it for three years, she knows, but we can’t take her on it because she’s bigger than the boat!  She likes to get attention, so she can be extremely inappropriate and obnoxious.

Honestly, which weighs more?

I like spending time with my dad. I realize they are older and don’t have as much time left on the earth, but I wouldn’t choose to spend that time with my mom. Yesterday, Thanksgiving, we saw them. I hugged them and said hi.  I sat at the same table with my mom for a few minutes, and then I left her there so she could do her thing with other people around.

What are one or two of the things that contributed to the health of your relationship as it stands now?

It’s interesting because my mom was verbally and physically abusive to all three of us growing up, and my dad was just a dictator. So in middle school, I decided to stop associating with my dad and wound up seeing a psychologist for a year or so. Once we worked through that, I was able to have a relationship with my dad.  But with mom, things were the same. She tended to be abusive until I was a sophomore in high school. One time, she tried to smack me in front of my friends, and I grabbed her hand and told her to never touch me again. She started crying, “Don’t hit me,” and I was like “What? I’m not going to hit you!” But, that ended that. After, it became kind of funny when she would act like she was going to hit me, I’d give her a look like, “Go ahead and try.”

What do you wish they had done differently?

Not sucked! (laughing) I mean, it’s hard to say. I do think my mom’s insane, for whatever reason. Since my dad’s foreign, I know he didn’t have a clue. In another country, the family dynamics are different, how to you raise kids is different, how kids depend on their parents is different. The culture he grew up in was very different, the things that are acceptable. He was in uncharted territory, so I cut him more slack. In middle school, it was literally, “I hate you,” but now we have a good relationship and we talk about stuff.

What do you most appreciate about their parenting?

I very much had to figure things out on my own. In high school if I had a big paper to write, I’d talk to them about it, but I had to figure it out. I think I appreciate that, because now I very much have that bent to figure things out.

How well do you relate to your siblings?

Pretty good, I think. My sister closest to me in age is very much like a middle schooler in the way she acts–she’s crude, she jokes around. My neice (her daughter) is her best friend. She bred a friend. She takes her to R-rated movies, etc.  Basically, all she wants to do is go hear music and drink beer. My oldest sister has three kids the same age as ours. She’s very interesting, a lot like I am, but moody. So we get along really well sometimes, but sometimes not well at all.

Do they share your same reflections?

Yeah. It was funny, when I was in college, I just wanted to leave home, so I moved here where my sister lives. In college, I was the one saying that she should put up with mom since she probably only had a few years to live, and my sister was where I am now. But, it’s switched. Now, she says mom’s crazy, nuts, but doesn’t have much longer to live. But I don’t think there is much more history to be made (for me) with my mom.

Can you share an example of a defining moment with your parents?

I can remember school stuff, if there was a PTA meeting, I would try to hide that stuff from my parents. My dad would never want to go, and I knew my mom would want to go. She’d want to be the loudest person in the room, making an ass of herself. I remember if I was in a store and I drew attention to myself, she’d be loud about how I’d embarrassed her. It was ironic, she was a huge woman, a huge personality. I remember she found out about something at shcool and made me go. All my friends all the teachers were looking at me, looking at her like, “You’re the worst.” I wish my dad had held her accountable. I think, “Why do you just let her sit there and lie?” And he says, “The manipulation I would endure after is hell. I’m just letting her get along until she dies.”  Like, he’s her constant caregiver and the only power she has to get what she wants is to literally crap herself when she doesn’t get her way.  He has to clean it up, so it’s not worth it.

Has anything happened in the recent years to change your relationship?

My mom’s accident. One, it caused more brain damage, two she’s totally helpless now and just sits there. One thing it’s done for my dad, now that he’s sitting there, he talks forever. Used to be, our conversations were four minutes long. He was robotic, he’s a mechanical engineer. The talking part of him was fulfilled at work.  Now, I spend an hour trying to get off the phone because he doesn’t have anyone to talk to. Now, there is no work, but he can’t sit there and have a conversation with my mom.

As an aside, yesterday on Thanksgiving, out of the blue, she said “I just want you to know I told everyone that if I didn’t hear from them by Thankgiving what they wanted for Christmas, they weren’t getting anything.  I haven’t heard from you!” Nobody cares! I said, “I don’t want anything from you. I don’t need you to buy me stuff.” Growing up, I was maniuplated by gifts and toys after she verbally abused me.

As I reflect on my childhood, I wish my mother had invested in something outside of me that stimulated her mind and diverted her attention elsewhere.  It was nigh impossible to establish separateness, and it nearly drove me crazy. Before kids, I knew I would need something to give me purpose outside of my role as a mother.  Now that I am a mother, I experience a mild desperation to stay on top of mothering and nurturing.  I’m confident when my at-home mothering days come to an end, God will lead me toward a new adventure.  Until then, I must steward my own spirit and mind to be ready, because the task at hand will not always be so.  My interview with Buck reminded of this. It also reminded me of the many times I wanted to just hit my mom!  I didn’t, but I’m sure you all can relate.  For that matter, I’m sure my own kids can relate.

What’s your age:

43

Are both of your parents living?

No. Father is deceased, mother is living.

What’s their marital status?

Divorced when he passed away.

How many siblings do you have?

Two brothers.

How often do you see your parents?

Once a month.

What are some of the ways you spend time together?

Art projects, sitting on the porch, talking.

On a scale of one to ten, how much do you enjoy their company?

Depends on what kind of crazy mood Mom’s in, probably a 6.  I didn’t spend any time with my dad when he was alive.  I saw him probably twice a year.

What are some of the positive aspects of your relationship with them?

None for my dad.  She allowed us to be who we wanted to be and pursue our own decisions and choices.

What are some of the negative aspects of your relationship with them?

We have such similar personalities that I’ll get on her nerves and she’ll get on mine.  Just saying something that allows me to be hostile.  She’ll say something.

Which is weightier, the positive or negative?

I think I feel kind of neutral.

What aspects contributed to your current relationships as adults?

There was very little parenting.  I pretty much had to raise myself my whole life.  I just grew up early.  If I were a parent I would do things totally differently.

How?

For my dad, I think it would have been not forcing me to emulate or be him.  Not to live his lost youth through me.  For mom, to have had a stronger sense of value for herself.  She allowed other people to influence her in negative ways and she didn’t value herself and the things that she does.  It’s influenced me as well, even though I come across as a confident masuline man, I still have issues finding value in myself.

How well do you relate to your siblings?

We don’t.  There’s a 20 year difference in our ages.

Do you think they share your same reflections on your parents?

I don’t know if they would say that necessarily. My closest brother in age had a different relationship with my father.  Maturity will change you, and I’m sure at some point he recognized that he would ultimately do things differently within his family dynamics, with his own children.

Can you share a defining moment with your parents?

Growing up in a very abusive relationship and my father being an alcoholic, after they divorced when I was 16, we had moved and my dad decided to come over.  Of course, he was drunk.  He pulled out a gun and was going to shoot my mother.  I stepped in between them and hit him.  I think that’s one of the first times I ever hit someone.  I think it shocked and surprised him as well.  He left us alone in that point and time.  For me that was enough to realize that I wanted to live my life differently.  I’m better equipped to recognize and make a change.

With mom, because she’s still living, the only one that comes to mind is being around 10 or 11, and she’d just started doing hair.  She’d been to a hair show and won a trophy that was as tall as me.  That was a defining moment that [doing] hair would be a major part of my life.  Because I saw my mom, despite all the home environment, she rose above and I could see it in her face that she felt value in herself.  It was short lived, though.

Has anything happened in recent history with them to change how you felt about them as a child?

None that I can think of because I’ve had to become the supporter and parent in the end.  I still do that, the role reversal causes you to see things a little differently.  I’m still doing that.

It was a conversation that I had over a year ago with Claire, 32, that sparked the idea for this blog.  We share a belief that one day all things will be made new.  Her commitment to bear in love with her parents until that day was an encouragement to me as I work to bear in love with members of my family, as well.

Are both of your parents living?

Yes.

What’s their marital status?

Married about 36 years.

How many siblings do you have?

Two sisters. I’m the middle.

How often do you see your parents?

About five times a year.

What are some of the ways you spend time together?

It depends on where we are.  When they are here, the main thing I do with my dad is household projects, outdoor and around the house kind of stuff.  He likes to do things, he likes to constantly be fixing things and working on some project because he gets really bored.  The same is true when I visit them–he always has a project we can help him with.  He’s very self-directed and doesn’t need anyone to do it with him, but I’m kind of that way, too.  I like to be doing things.

What I do with my mom is mostly sit around and talk and drink coffee.  She’s more involved with the kids, she’s nurturing, helps me with baths and laundry.  She’s more support when she’s here. The thing that we still do, that we’ve always done, is she’ll take me shopping.  Her way of showing love was taking us girls out shopping.  When she takes me shopping now, she buys me whatever I pick out, not what she wants to buy me.  It’s awesome.  My mom is sort of my companion in parenting, and that is really nice.

On a scale of one to ten, how much do you enjoy their company?

When my dad is not doing well and is manic, it’s a 1.  When he’s balanced, he’s a joy to be around.  Not a perfect joy, but I would say an 8 or 9.

Then my mom, when she’s in one of these moods where she’s (not too subtly) trying to drop hints on what I should do, how to relate to my husband or kids, it’s irritating.  It puts her at about a 4; I don’t want to talk to her.  When she’s being really sweet and gracious, she’s a 9.  It’s really restful to be with her. It’s easy when she’s not being negative, but [sometimes] negative stuff comes out of her mouth.

Does spending time with them as a unit affect the dynamic of the visit?

Definitely.  I don’t ever spend time alone with my dad, only my mom.  She takes off sometimes and comes up here alone.  When it’s just her, it’s laid back and nice.  She makes statements about how she feels like she’s coming out of crisis mode and relaxing. I don’t want to undervalue her hurting and pain from being married to my dad, but she has a lot of choices and resources, and she hasn’t made good choices about extracting herself from his mania.  She always says she’s going to, but she never does.  I think she’s really dependent on him.

What are some of the positive aspects of your relationship with them?

I would say the most positive thing is that they really, truly want to seek God and are faithful in their desire to follow Christ.  As flawed as they are and as dysfunctional they can be in the way they relate to each other, if you speak truth to them, they accept it and don’t argue.  They are willing to humbly submit to the truth of the word.

What are some of the negative aspects of your relationship with them?

What would a redeemed relationship look like with them?  Something that’s hard for them is any difficulty that one of their daughters has in her life pertaining to money, spouse, work or health. They worry a lot.  That actually becomes a burden on us, how much it weighs them down.  For example, when my sister and her husband were more or less homeless and unemployed for a year and a half (but still taken care of) my parents were in crisis the whole time.  They let my sister know that, and it added to her burden.  My parents would become emotionally volatile, and it would make my sister not want to tell them anything.  It would make her question everything, and I would have to talk her down and tell her that she was fine.  But, my parents would become obsessively negative.  It would take them all the way to the worst scenario.

Which is weightier, the positive or negative?

The negative.  They are both people who despite their commitment to their faith, don’t trust that God is in control and let their thoughts run wild.  That’s been passed on to me, and I don’t want to pass it on to my children.  It leads to depression.

What do you appreciate most about their parenting?

Their loyalty.  Their love, generosity and loyalty feels really genuine.  It’s not tied to something, not like they expect something.  It’s very free.

What do you wish they had done differently?

I wish we were more involved with other people, in more community.  We went to church and school, but they didn’t really spend time with friends.  I missed out in having relationships with adults other than my parents who could have broadened my life.  I wish they had encouraged us to work.  That would have given us confidence and skills that would have done a world of good in our college years.  I had no clue.  I didn’t know what I liked.  My whole experience was what I had done in high school.  There were no other adults in my life where I could have learned about other occupations.  I wish I had worked in high school–it would have done a lot for my self-esteem and confidence.  That’s something I really want for my kids.

How well do you relate to your siblings?

Very well with one and fairly well with the other.

Do you think they share your same reflections on your parents?

The one I relate to very well, yes.  The other, not exactly.  I just think she doesn’t think about it as much.  She’s sort of emotional and reactionary to the way they are rather than reflective.

Can you share a defining moment with your parents?

This sums up my mom in particular.  I went with my high school choir to Germany.  We were falsely accused of harboring a guy in our room one night at the guest house where we were staying.  The choir director was absolutely convinced that we did it and that we were lying.  She was friends with our parents, our piano teacher.  As you can imagine, being in another country and told that we were lying escalated into yelling.  I was being very combative.  This was a fiasco for our prep school: these three girls caused an uproar in a German hotel and the school sides with the music teacher, of course.  Though she cannot prove our guilt, we’re suspended anyway because there has to be some recourse.  We had to pay for it.  My parents were livid and made special appointments with the headmaster to tell them that they completely believed their daughter, and they didn’t accept the punishment, and that we girls were free to go to the beach and have fun on our suspension.  That was the most dramatic story, but it was typical of my mom and dad’s relationship to me.  They always took my side.  In that case, they were right.  I was telling the truth, but there were probably times they should have challenged me more rather than trying to make everything easy and in my favor.  It was like, “Our kids can do no wrong.”  But, it was an example of their fierce loyalty for me.

Has anything happened in recent history with them to change how you felt about them as a child?

As I’ve aged and matured, I don’t pick fights with them anymore and I avoid topics and arguments that make me annoyed with them.  I’m much more inclined to smile, nod, agree and avoid a conflict.  Not because I’m trying to avoid something important, but to avoid the things that aren’t important.  I’m secure enough and old enough to just let it be.

Caroline’s mother bears some similarities to my own, and I appreciated her candor in this interview.

What’s your age?

37

Are both of your parents living?

Yes

What’s their marital status?

They were separated for my whole childhood.  I think they got divorced when I was 16.  I never knew my father; he left before I was born.  I’ve seen him three times.

How many siblings do you have?

I have two half sisters and two half brothers.

How often do you see your parents?

I’ve only ever seen my father three times, and my mother I usually see every three years, maybe.

What are some of the ways you spend time together? 

(Laughs) Arguing!  About the only way we can spend together not arguing is playing a game.  I’m a really good speller and she can’t spell worth a dime, but she likes to play spelling games with me.  Or Monopoly.  Most of the time she picks fights.  She’s very easily offended when no offense is intended.

On a scale of one to ten, how much do you enjoy her company?

Three, and that’s giving her the benefit of the doubt.  It’s very difficult for me to be around her.

What are some of the positive aspects of your relationship with her?

The only positive outcome I can see is, if I can love her as Christ loves her, she can see that and be saved.  It does nothing for me.  If she weren’t my mother, I wouldn’t talk to her.

What are some of the negative aspects of your relationship with her?

Everything.  Often, when I leave a conversation with her, it puts me in a funk for a couple of days.  I guess I see my own flaws in her.  I have all the same tendencies, it’s just that I have Christ and she doesn’t.  There isn’t anything to soften the edges, she just lets it all hang out there.  For instance, she’s just selfish—there’s nothing to moderate it.

How did her parenting contribute to a fractured relationship as adults?

She was irresponsible, she didn’t protect me, and I don’t trust her because of that.  I never know when she’s going to blow up now, so I never can trust her, even though I can forgive her for the past.  I couldn’t trust her then and I can’t trust her now.  I don’t think she ever developed interests on her own.  She played computer games and went out drinking. There’s nothing to talk to her about.  We have nothing in common, she doesn’t share my worldview, we never see eye to eye.

Do you appreciate anything about her parenting?

Somehow, she taught me to be resourceful.  Regardless of whether it was a negative thing or if she did it, I know how.  She did always insist that we eat dinner together as a family.  She always let me make my own mistakes, and she probably shouldn’t have, but she let me learn from them.  My sister lived in the same house and she suffered from that, but for me it was a good thing.

What do you wish she had done differently?

I guess it boils down to . . . I wish she hadn’t been so selfish.  Everything was about her pain and her pleasure.  As a kid, I thought she would sacrifice everything, but now I realize you don’t leave your kids in the house after they fall asleep so you can go out drinking!  I think she did all those things because she was in pain.  I don’t think she knew what to do.

How well do you relate to your siblings?

My father’s children from his previous marriage–they are so much older than me.  We get along fine, I just don’t see them very often.  My older half-sister has lately taken to looking out for me on Facebook.  My younger half sister, we are very different, but we have a connection because we both lived with my mother.

Do you think they share your same reflections on your mom?

Absolutely.

Can you share a defining story with your mom?

I remember when I stopped really sharing anything important with my mother. It was after college and I had been dating my soon-to-be husband and I was getting impatient.  He hadn’t asked me to marry him and I called her for advice.  She said, “Why don’t you just ask him?”  That was SO not what I needed to hear.  I needed her to encourage me to be patient.  I realized we would never see eye to eye, and from that day on I stopped really talking to her.

Has anything happened in recent history with them to change how you felt about them as a child?

I feel more negatively about her as an adult than I did as a child.  In college, I read a book called From Bondage to Bonding.  Reading the book made me extremely angry.  I realized whether she did it on purpose or not she enslaved me in a way.  She did it worse to my sister because I had the good sense go to college 800 miles away.

The other thing is I started going to counseling in high school.  I thought I was going for abandonment issues with my father, but I found out I had more issues with my mother.  I used to give my mother all these gushy cards and tell her she was the best mother ever.  She would just say, “One day you’ll find out the truth.”  That became a self-fulfilling prophecy because it just made me look for things.

While my relationship with my mother has left scars and continues to leave scars, I think throughout my life, God has left numerous life-lines.  People who provided love and support and got me through when my mother couldn’t.  The best gift besides my husband has been his mother.  I never knew you could have a mother like that.  She is the picture of what it means to love with no strings attached.  She’s secure enough to not need anything from me, and that makes me want to give to her.  The sad thing about my mom is she has outrun her usefulness.  She has no wisdom; she has nothing to offer me except pain and more pain.

Ouch.  That’s what I was thinking while interviewing Gabriella.  As far as the perfection/cleanliness obsession goes, I’m a lot like her mother. I’m thankful for Gabriella’s honesty–it gives me  insight into what my kids might think about me after they are grown.  We see here, though, that grandchildren can bring some healing into the parent/adult child relationship.

What’s your age? 

33

Are both of your parents living?

Yes

What’s their marital status?

Married, 37 years

How many siblings do you have?

One sister

How often do you see your parents?

Twice a month

What are some of the ways you spend time together? 

Going to sporting events, football, softball, dinner, taking my daughter different places to do stuff with her.  We go to the beach a lot.

On a scale of one to ten, how much do you enjoy their company?

I was always Daddy’s girl, for sure.  My dad and I have that silent rapport together.  He’s a 10, I’d say.  A 7 for my mom because I’m more like her and we wind up butting heads a lot.  But, she’s been my savior since my daughter was born, so I put up with more.

Does spending time with them as a unit affect the dynamic of the visit?

No, it usually makes it better.  If I spend too much time with my mother, I’m ready to go home.

What are some of the positive aspects of your relationship with them?

It was a benefit to me to be raised in a Christian home.  I was raised under strict discipline and to take care and pride of anything that I own.  In retrospect, there were a lot of times I was frustrated at how strict they were, but now I am proud and it has prepared me for motherhood.

What are some of the negative aspects of your relationship with them?

Because they were so strict, I didn’t feel like I could be honest and open with them.  I’m thankful for the religious background that I have, but there was a lot of guilt and lying because I was afraid to mess up.

Which is weightier, the positive or negative?

Positive.  I have a good relationship with them.  We’ve never been estranged; my mother is just black and white.

What are some of the aspects that contributed to a healthy relationship as adults?

Always keeping Christianity in your life, really taking the moral lessons that my parents taught me with me.  My dad has only told me that he loves me three times in my life, but now that I have my daughter, he always tells me.  He is a quiet man.  I always felt loved, but it wasn’t a touchy-feely family.  I’m trying to instill affection in my relationship with my daughter.  But, respect is what holds us all together.

What do you wish they had done differently?

I wish they would have shown me more physical affection, but they were always busy.  But they might not be those people, anyway.  I wish they had been more open with me and shared things with me.  I’m a more liberal thinker, and more world views and issues would have been good.  The only thing I learned was the Southern Baptist way.

How well do you relate to your sister?

We are only 18 months apart.  I see benefits and negatives to that.  We are much closer now that we don’t live together.  We can talk about anything. Growing up, we fought and she was my shadow and I didn’t like it.  I found out that in college, she felt that she was in my shadow and that she wouldn’t been as good as me at anything.

Does she share your same reflections on your parents?

I would think so.  She didn’t have as close a relationship to my father as I did, though.

Can you share a defining moment with your parents?

Growing up, I was always outside.  Mom pretty much made me that way because she would lock us outside while she cleaned.  I was practicing the piano and I knocked a plant off the piano.  She yelled at me about getting dirt on the floor. When she would get mad at us, she would be passive aggressive, in a room yelling and cussing at any other family member for making a mess while we could all hear her.  She would do it intentionally instead of coming directly to us and confronting us about it.

Has anything happened in recent history with them to change how you felt about them as a child?

When I was 16, my mother brought my sister and I to my room and told me she had had an affair on my father.  Those were some really dark years and I hated her for a  long time.  It happened when I was 10—I can even think back to the day because my parents never fought or yelled at each other. But, that day I heard it.  My dad said he was going to stay with my grandmother, but he stayed, I think, because of us.  I can’t imagine how we would have turned out if my parents had divorced when I was 10.

Paul, a tri-athelete and man of few words, shares his thoughts about how much he cares about his mother.  I hope my sons think the same of me one day.  Apparently, she’s flawless!

What’s your age? 

40

Are both of your parents living?

My genetic dad is deceased. I have 2 step dads that are alive and my mom’s alive

What’s their marital status?

Divorced and remarried

How many siblings do you have? 

I have one brother. And then I have 2 half brothers, a half sister, a step sister; I don’t know them that well.

How often do you see your parents?

I see my mom a couple of times a week.  I talk to her almost every day.

What are some of the ways you spend time together? 

We just hang out and talk.  She’ll go to my functions sometimes, we’ll eat dinner together, we’ll go walking and running.  She walks and I run. She’s very supportive for all my racing and always growing up.

On a scale of one to ten, how much do you enjoy her company?

Ten

What are some of the positive aspects of your relationship with her?

I feel like she’s more than my mom—she’s my best friend.  We help support each other.  If we need something, we try to do it for each other.  We are supportive of each others goals as well.

What are some of the negative aspects?

I don’t really see any.

What contributed to such a healthy relationship as adults?

I guess her support and always being there when I was growing up whereas my “father figures” changed.  She was a consistent person in my life.

What do you appreciate most about her parenting?

She encouraged us to do a variety of things.

What do you wish she had done differently?

Nothing

How well do you relate to your siblings?

My brother, pretty well.  It’s kind of weird because some of the mannerisms are similar.

Do you think he shares your same reflections on your parents?

It’s pretty close.  I’m probably a little tighter with my mom.  He went off in the military, so his distance was greater, where mine was pretty close.

Can you share a defining moment with your mom?

There are always things you remember as examples of the quality of person that your mom is—I remember her in college, we didn’t have a lot of money. My mom didn’t get any support; she would work very hard and somehow manage to get to all my sporting events.  One time, she took a train to New York City from the Midwest to see what I was doing.  I’m sure it was a long journey and a strain on her financial situation, but she felt that I was worth it.  I remember when I was in college and had to student teach, the place they gave me was between five and ten miles away.  It was in the winter and I didn’t have a car.  She took out a loan and got me a car.  It was special because of how difficult it must have been for her to afford that.  I worked at the school, but my money went back to the school so I didn’t get any of it.  She knew I had to get around to student teaching events.  If you didn’t live in my shoes, you wouldn’t know.   That’s why I try to do things for her now. She doesn’t expect it—it’s that I want to.

Has anything happened in recent history with them to change how you felt about her as a child?

My maturity to develop and understand all that she did, and having a child. Realizing all the effort it took, I guess that strengthens things.  I guess sometimes I’d like to do more than I can do for her.  She can certainly take care of herself, but that understanding and appreciation has grown.

I never tire of hearing grown women talk about how much they enjoy their mothers.   Even though Daisy was ultimately disappointed by her father, her relationship with her mother has righted a multitude of wrongs.

What’s your age? 

29

Are both of your parents living?

Yes

What’s their marital status?

Divorced and remarried

How many siblings do you have?

One sister and one step brother

How often do you see your parents?

My mom lives in San Diego, so not as much as I’d like—every few months.  She’s the only one I still consider a parent.  I haven’t seen my dad since I was 10 and I don’t care for my stepmother, so I never see them. They divorced when I was around three. My stepdad I see when I see my mom.  He is a different stepdad than the one who raised me.  That stepdad died.

What are some of the ways you spend time together? 

We went to the wedding of a childhood friend in Florida most recently, we go out to dinner, we sit at home and just talk.  We do those things no matter where we are.  Going to dinner, staying in, having a glass of wine and chatting. Sometimes my stepdad tags along, sometimes he lets me, my mom, and my sister have some girl time.

On a scale of one to ten, how much do you enjoy their company?

Mom, 9

Birth Dad, 0

What are some of the positive aspects of your relationship with them?

With Mom, it’s very open and trusting. I can tell her anything, and as I have become an adult, I think she feels that openness, too.  She’s fun, positive, and we are similar in a lot of ways.  She understands me and we like to do similar things.

I can’t see any positive aspect about my dad except that he isn’t in my life.  I think I would be a worse person if he were.  I think my mom and the rest of my family did a better job than he could have.

What are some of the negative aspects of your relationship with her?

Sometimes, not that often, as I became  an adult, she began to think of me more as a friend.  That can become burdensome.  She’s experiencing a little empty nest syndrome and I can’t be responsible for her happiness.

Which is weightier, the positive or negative?

Positive

What are some of the aspects that contributed to a healthy relationship as adults?

Growing up, she set a really good example as far as work ethic, family, how you treat people.  She made us compassionate, loving people.  We were her top, number-one priority.  She worked three jobs so we could have the things we needed.  She commanded a lot of respect in an effortless way.  Now, we’ve maintained that.  It’s a constant evolution, but there is a constant respect.

What do you appreciate most about her parenting?

Her work ethic has really influenced me.  I didn’t even realize it until I was an adult.  Her openness, we always felt that we could come to her, even if it was something we might get in trouble for.  We always had an honest relationship. She makes you want to be around her.

What do you wish she had done differently?

I haven’t thought much about that.  I think she did the best she could and I can’t say that I wish things had been different.

How well do you relate to your siblings?

Very well.  My sister and I are 18 months apart, and she’s my best friend after my mom.  I feel very protective over her, but we really are best friends.

Do you think she shares your same reflections on your parents?

Yes, I think she had a little more trouble relating to my mom growing up.  Their personalities are a little more different.  She probably took the divorce a little harder.  She wanted to have a relationship with our father longer.

Can you share a defining moment with her?

I was in a long-term relationship for six years.  We were high school sweethearts and stayed together through college.  I was on the pill, but one night a condom randomly broke, so I grabbed a towel, wrapped it around myself and ran downstairs, banging on my mom’s door freaking out and saying “What am I going to do?”  My mom just said calmly, “Well, what’s ever meant to be will be.  Maybe I’m meant to have a grandchild.”  Most people would say that’s crossing a lot of boundaries with your mom, but it sums up how there is a lot of closeness between us.

Has anything happened in recent history with them to change how you felt about them as a child?

I’d say it’s been pretty consistent, although there is a time when you realize that your mom is just a human being.  She is still a super-hero because she is my mom, but I know now she’s a flawed person just like anyone else.

I’ve known Ron Mexico for years now and can attest to his easy relationship with his parents.  Not perfect, but pretty darn good.

What’s your age?

38

Are both of your parents living?

Yes

What’s their marital status?

Married

How many siblings do you have?

2

How often do you see your parents?

Twice a week

What are some of the ways you spend time together? 

Meals, vacations, birthday parties, “just because”, do-it-yourself projects (work on car, clean gutters, lay paving stones), shopping, occasionally church

On a scale of one to ten, how much to you enjoy their company?

8 Mom, 10 Dad

Does spending time with them as a unit effect the dynamic of the visit?

No

What are some of the positive aspects of your relationship with them?

They love me unconditionally, they would do anything for me, they are proud of me. I consider my dad one of my best friends; we are honest with one another, we share common interest. My dad was a positive role model on how a dad should raise their children and be involved in their life. My parents sacrificed for their kids.

What are some of the negative aspects of your relationship with them?

I feel they are enabling towards one of my siblings.

Which is weightier, the positive or negative?

Positive

If positive, what are some of the aspects that contributed to a healthy relationship as adults?

Refer to the above comment regarding positive aspects of our relationship..

If negative, what are some of the aspects that contributed to a fractured relationship as adults?

We are not fractured, but they know I have an opinion on the matter of the treatment of them to my sibling and vice-versa.

What do you appreciate most about their parenting?

Spending so much time with me/us growing up.  My dad was always the dad in the neighborhood that would play ball, do activities with us outside.  We camped tons, we had a motor home and took week long trips to the beach, mountains, etc.  Overall, they were just present in our lives.

What do you wish they had done differently?

Encourage me to read sooner and more often, study more, introduce me to organized sports sooner that age 13 for baseball and golf at 17.

How well do you relate to your siblings? 

Not well with my older brother; better with my younger brother.

Do you think they share your same reflections on your parents?

Not exactly. My oldest probably felt they were too controlling, my youngest probably felt they were not controlling enough.  For me, I felt they found a nice balance off both.

Can you share a defining moment with your parents?

Two instances with my dad: 1) when he was diagnosed with cancer, 2) when he had by-pass surgery.  When the first happened, I realized how each and every additional moment I get to spend with my dad is golden.  I have no regrets,  I now have a heightened appreciation for each and every moment we spend together and I tell him I love him often.  My dad has 11 years on my mom, and my dad is in his mid 80’s, so I treat each moment with him as a bonus.

Has anything happened in recent history with them to change how you felt about them as a child?

Experiencing my parents provide childcare for my nieces and nephews and my own children has brought back memories of their parenting style as it pertains to problem resolution and discipline.  I still cherish my childhood, but I’ve been enlightened lately.